Two Skills You Need for Healthy Relationships

By Scott Parker, CSW

Relationships can be hard. Whether with a spouse, friend, coworker, sibling, or child, the inevitable conflict that arises from our differences can result in personal growth if we adhere to two basic principles: Taking responsibility for our own actions, and NOT taking responsibility for the actions of others.

We are all responsible for our own actions. This even applies if we are unfairly treated by others. If a coworker says something rude or offensive, this does not make it okay for us to be cruel back. Such retaliation may feel justified, but in the long run, we are really only hurting ourselves. How much better would you feel if you could develop the skill of being kind to those who treat you poorly? Though difficult, especially for those who endure ongoing abuse, not allowing the actions of others to determine your behavior will feel freeing.

That being said, there is a difference between being kind and respectful and allowing someone to continue a pattern of mistreatment. This falls under the category of shielding the other person from the consequences of their actions, and so can be seen as a form of taking responsibility for their actions. For example, if someone repeatedly calls me names, I can kindly make known the natural consequences of those actions (saying, for example, that we can no longer spend time together, because I deserve to be treated with respect). Setting such boundaries with others is actually a kind thing to do, because it gives them the chance to learn and grow. Not sharing how their behavior affects you is like hiding the consequences from their view, and will not help them grow and learn how to be respectful.

Other examples of not taking responsibility for someone else’s actions include: Not rescuing friends or family if their poor choices get them in trouble; charging a grown child rent if they are still living with you; letting friends or family who are mad at each other resolve their issues on their own. Doing these things out of kindness can free you from having to manage and save other people, which can make you more helpful to others in the long run.