Tips for Dealing with Temper Tantrums

Tantrums are often thought of as one of the worst parts of parenting, and can make us feel like we want to have a meltdown of our own right along with them. However, temper tantrums are a very important aspect of your child’s emotional health and can be a wonderful learning opportunity for them (and for you!). Tantrums are often the only way a child knows how to express themselves, and annoying as they are, they can be a healthy way for kids to get that emotion out so they’re not bottling it up. Tantrums are an opportunity to connect with your child on an emotional level and let them know it’s okay to open up to you in an emotional way. Here are a few ways you can turn a temper tantrum into emotional connection and a chance to learn:

1. Notice the way you’re interacting with you kids when they’re not having a tantrum and give them the respect you would like to recieve. After all, they’re tiny humans in training to become adults. For example: give them choices whenever possible, ask them to do something politely first, instead of telling them to do it and give them positive feedback when they do what you’ve asked (progress, not perfection).

2. Before the tantrum hits but you can feel it coming on, try getting down on their level so you can look them in the eye. Soften your face and use a neutral tone as you talk with them. Acknowledge that they’re feeling upset/frustrated/annoyed/etc. and offer empathy, but avoid reasoning with them in any way. Offer them a break to cool off.

3. Once a tantrum hits, there’s no point in engaging with your child. They’re now so flooded with emotion that they’ll likely just escalate (kind of like when adults get angry and someone tells them to calm down). If they’re not being a danger to themselves or others, disengage from them and let them know it’s okay to feel anger, but you’ll talk to them once they’ve let out their emotion. If you’re in a public place, remove them from the situation and do the same thing.

4. If kids get physical, immediately reinforce this behavior with a consequence. Let them know that emotion is okay to express, but hurting themselves or others is not a healthy way to express that emotion. If you can’t give a consequence immediately for some reason, make sure you do at some point and communicate exactly why they’re receiving that consequence.

5. Avoid yelling or getting too intense, kids will match your noise level and intensity. Use it as an opportunity to express you yourself need a break and so does the child.

6. Distraction can be a great option if your child is willing/able, if not give them the space they need to vent it out.

7. Be consistent with rule enforcement - it’s easy to want to give in when kids are throwing a fit, but consistent rule enforcement shows boundaries and safety in the home. It shows them they can count on you to protect their best interest.

Once the tantrum is over, you have the opportunity to talk to your child about what was going on for them. Circle back with them and process the event. Remember that children don’t have coping skills yet and aren’t always aware of what they were experiencing. Emotion charts can be helpful, along with giving insight into what you think may have happened, but remember to give them the chance to confirm or deny your suspicions. Validate their emotion and that something was bothering them, offer positive coping skills for the next time they feel something similar. This is also a great time to help them feel that you love them, give them a hug, tell them, make them laugh, use their love language or whatever else to can do to let them know that you love them and you’re a safe person to turn to when they’re upset. Anger can be thought of as emotion that has gotten all twisted and knotted up, causing confusion on all sides. However, anger is a connection, a connection that expresses hurt rather than a connection that expresses love. So, rather then respond to the anger, we want to find and respond to the child’s hurt and need to love, and be loved.

If you’re interested in more information on tantrums, discipline, and parenting techniques, the therapists at Eagle Mountain Counseling are always willing to give feedback, help you find different options, and work with you, your child, or the two of you together, give us a call!

By Susie Lee, AMFT