The Marital Trap of “Who’s Right and Who’s Wrong?”

By Scott Parker, CSW

Eagle Mountain Counseling Theapist

When couples fight, it can be tempting to try to determine, using facts and logic, who is “right” and who is “wrong.” For example, if a wife accuses her husband of not helping out around the house as much as she does, it can be tempting to launch into a full-scale investigation, to determine whether this is true or not. But no amount of pointing out his domestic accomplishments is likely to resolve the argument, because what is actually being neglected is not housework, but the feelings of both parties. For example, underneath the wife’s complaint about housework could be a nagging feeling that her husband is more invested in his work than the family. This may be making her feel abandoned. The husband may be feeling a lack of appreciation. He may even have a similar worry–that his wife is so focused on taking care of the kids, that he feels like he is only valued for the income he brings home, and how well he responds to his wife’s orders. These emotions can only be resolved if they are calmly discussed, and responded to with love and accommodation (on both sides). Talking about who said or did what–to determine who is “right”–is a trap that will never lead to a satisfying resolution when the underlying emotions are not addressed.

Scott is one of our therapists who specializes in couples work. He is now accepting new clients. Call now to schedule with him.