Diagnose Your Family's Communication Style

By Scott Parker, CSW Being in close quarters with family for the holidays can be fun, but it can also be stressful. If you find yourself repeating certain undesirable patterns of communication with your loved ones, the following framework will help you figure out what is missing. Author and social worker Virginia Satir observed that important discussions involve three key considerations: the self, the other, and the context. When either party neglects one or more of these, effective communication tends to break down, bringing hard feelings and isolation. Blaming Not taking the other person (their feelings, perspectives, and value) into account in a conversation can result in an overly harsh stance. When one’s own feelings, and the content of the argument, become more important than the other party involved, a dehumanizing cruelty ensues, and the conversation is not likely to resolve amicably. Placating Ignoring one’s own needs in deference to the facts and the other person leads to an imbalance and opens oneself up to being overpowered and verbally abused. It is important to remember that, although you may be imperfect or even wrong, you have a right to your opinion and to be spoken to with respect. Intellectualizing When neither party’s humanity is recognized, a discussion can quickly lose all practical relevance and become nothing more than a theoretical fencing match. The problem with this is it ignores the subtext that inevitably informs every human interaction. If you’ve ever wondered why seemingly little things can erupt into huge arguments, it is usually because they represent other issues that are not being discussed – issues involving feelings, longings, and needs that have little to do with the specific situation. Personalizing But not all differences of opinion are personal. The facts should also be given their say. Ignoring the context all-together can take an otherwise reasonable discussion down a rabbit hole of hurt feelings. Say a friend does not follow through on a promise they made. This may feel like a personal burn, but if a legitimate obstacle can explain the lapse, that information needs to be taken into account. If you find yourself blaming, placating, intellectualizing, or personalizing, take a break, do something relaxing if you can, and identify whether you are not giving equal weight to self, other, or context. While we can’t control the behavior of others, it may be helpful to share this information with someone you often lock heads with, at a time when you are on good terms and they are open to feedback.